Days Like These

            I was holding my sweet baby girl, and my brand new baby boy. Lily looked at me and said “I shouldn’t be here, Mom. I’m supposed to be in heaven.” I asked her, you don’t want to be here with me, and your brother, and your dad? “I do” she said. “But I’m supposed to be in heaven, not here.” And I responded with, “Okay, you can go.” –This was my dream last night. I don’t know why I have dreams like these, I guess to help me cope with the fact that she is not here with me. I know that heavenly father has a plan for us, her, my sweet baby girl who I miss daily. I notice that days like these come when I see other baby’s come into this world and I can’t help but feel just a little bit sorry for myself. I just wish I had her here with me today. I want to hold her in my arms so bad. And kiss her sweet little face.

It has been just a little over 6 months since baby girl entered and left our lives. The only time she was alive was in my womb, but I feel her near me every day. I am now carrying her little brother and I can’t help but feel scared as I am now 24 weeks with him and I was 25 weeks with Lily. It’s hard for me not to fear the fact that this could happen again. I try to be strong and not show this fear, but it is real and I am scared.  3 ½ months until this sweet baby will join our family, officially. He is a part of our family already, even if only in spirit (and kicks of course.)

Anyway, on a happier note. We moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico a few weeks ago for Bernie’s job. We are in a 2 bedroom apt. I love it. I love having our own place to live again. I feel like we spend so much more time together now that I am not working so I see him in the morning and when he gets home around 5:30. There is no one else here for us to pay any attention too, no family, no friends, just us. It’s lonely but, fun.